The Tull Invitational

Golf Poem

Submitted by Bill Nadloneck and Mike Williams (Kip’s Cousin)

Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled…Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud, noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!

Recent studies found average golfers walk 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, golfers get 41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. . .

Posted in funnies.


  1. I feel so below average! To walk 900 miles per year, the “average golfer” would have to play and walk 264 rounds on an average 6,000 yard course. That’s 5 rounds per week — 52 weeks per year. Even the pros don’t play that many rounds per year (time off, open dates, missed cuts, etc.) Only the golfer-in-chief plays that much and only he would expect us to believe such an exaggeration.

    Twenty-two gallons of alcohol per year? That’s 110 fifths – or almost 2,000 shots! It works out to 35 drinks per week! That would be 5 drinks each and every day or 7 drinks for each of those 264 rounds of golf! I have heard that the number of holes on the first golf course was established by the fact that a bottle of Scotch contains 18 shots. I assumed that was an apocryphal story, but maybe not!

    The logical conclusion is obvious — we need to walk less –- or drink a lot more!

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